The #1 Source of Pressure Destroying Young Athletes (And It's Not What You Think)

By Coach Iggy | Founder, Top Flight Mentality

Last season, I watched a talented 14-year-old striker miss a penalty kick in overtime. As she walked off the field, head down, I could see her scanning the stands for her dad's reaction.

That look broke my heart.

Because I knew exactly what was happening in her mind. She wasn't processing the miss or thinking about the next game. She was wondering if she'd disappointed the person whose opinion mattered most.

After coaching young athletes for nearly two decades, I've learned something that might surprise every well-meaning sports parent reading this:

The biggest source of pressure young athletes face isn't college scouts, rival teams, or championship games.

It's us. Their parents.

And here's the thing—we don't mean to do it. Every critique, every suggestion, every "helpful" observation comes from a place of love. We want them to succeed so badly that we accidentally make their success feel like our happiness depends on it.

The Invisible Weight of Parental Expectations

You probably think you're not one of "those" parents. You don't scream from the sidelines or berate referees. You keep your cool during games and say the right things afterward.

But pressure doesn't always announce itself with a bullhorn.

Sometimes it's the three-second pause before you respond to "How did I do?" Sometimes it's the way your energy shifts after they tell you about a mistake. Sometimes it's as subtle as which parts of their game you choose to discuss on the car ride home.

I've watched kids completely change their playing style because they picked up on what their parents valued most:

• The point guard who stops taking risks because dad always mentions her turnovers
• The soccer player who becomes selfish because mom celebrates goals but not assists
• The tennis player who starts playing not to lose because parents get visibly frustrated after errors

These athletes aren't responding to what we say—they're responding to what we emphasize. And kids are incredibly skilled at reading between the lines.

The Coaching Trap That Backfires Every Time

Here's where things get tricky. After a tough loss or poor performance, your parental instincts kick in. You want to help them learn, improve, grow. So you offer feedback, point out what went wrong, or try to turn the disappointment into a teachable moment.

I get it. I really do.

But I need you to understand something: there's a time for coaching, and there's a time for parenting. And right after a disappointing performance? That's parenting time.

When athletes are already frustrated, embarrassed, or discouraged, they don't need analysis. They need unconditional support. They need to know that your love for them exists completely separate from their athletic performance.

I remember a conversation with a 16-year-old basketball player who told me, "My mom always has something for me to work on after games. Even when we win, she finds something I could've done better. I just want her to be proud of me sometimes."

That mom thought she was helping. But her athlete felt like nothing was ever good enough.

What Young Athletes Actually Need From Sports Parents

The most confident athletes I've coached share something in common: their parents are their emotional safe harbor, not their athletic critics.

These parents understand their unique role. They're not trying to be coaches, sports psychologists, or performance analysts. They're just being consistent sources of love and support.

Here's what that looks like in practice:

After wins: "I love watching you play. You looked like you were having fun out there."

After losses: "Tough game today. You competed hard. What do you want for dinner?"

After mistakes: "That happens to everyone. How are you feeling?"

Notice what's missing? Detailed breakdowns, improvement suggestions, or performance analysis. Those conversations can happen later, if the athlete initiates them. But immediately after games, athletes need parents, not coaches.

The Long Game: Why Less Pressure Creates Better Performance

I know this is hard for competitive parents to hear, but pushing harder doesn't always produce better results. In fact, it often backfires.

The athletes who sustain excellence over time aren't the ones who were constantly critiqued and corrected. They're the ones who developed internal motivation because their sport remained joyful, challenging, and personally meaningful.

When you focus on effort over outcome, process over results, and character over performance, something magical happens: your athlete starts to embody those values naturally. They become intrinsically motivated because the sport itself—not your approval—becomes the reward.

Think about it: Do you want an athlete who performs well to make you happy, or one who performs well because they love competing and growing?

How to Support Without Creating Performance Anxiety

So how do you support a young athlete without accidentally pressuring them? It starts with examining your own relationship with their success.

Ask yourself honestly:

• How much of my identity as a parent is tied to my child's athletic performance?
• Do I feel embarrassed when they play poorly?
• Do I feel more proud when they excel?
• What does my body language communicate after tough games?

If the answer is yes—and for most of us it is—that's okay. Just be aware of it. Because when our emotions ride the same roller coaster as their performance, they feel responsible for managing our feelings along with their own.

The goal isn't to stop caring. It's to care in a way that frees them to compete without the added weight of managing your emotions.

The Freedom That Creates Champions

Your athlete needs to know that you're their biggest fan regardless of the scoreboard. They need to feel your steady presence, not your fluctuating approval.

This doesn't mean becoming passive or disinterested. You can absolutely celebrate their efforts, acknowledge their improvements, and support their goals. Just make sure your energy stays consistent whether they win by 20 or lose in heartbreaking fashion.

When athletes feel that safety, they take more risks. They play with more freedom. They develop resilience because they know that mistakes won't cost them your love.

And ironically, that freedom often leads to better performance than any amount of coaching or pressure ever could.

Creating Your New Game Plan as a Sports Parent

Here are three simple changes you can make starting today:

1. Change your post-game questions: Instead of "How did you play?" try "Did you have fun out there?" Instead of "What happened on that play?" try "How are you feeling?"
2. Focus on what you celebrate: Celebrate effort, hustle, and good sportsmanship as much as (or more than) goals and wins.
3. Master the art of being present: Show up, cheer positively, and save any feedback for much later—if your athlete asks for it.

Remember: Your job isn't to make them a better athlete. Your job is to keep them loving the game long enough for their coaches to make them better athletes.

👉 Want to help your athlete build the mindset, habits, and confidence they need to rise under pressure?

Start with our foundational training: Top Flight 7 — the entry point for serious growth. It’s where athletes begin to build mental strength the right way.